This is probably not the best time to be posting this blog on the Eve of Mother’s Day but I felt this had to be said. Everyone applauds the mothers who leave marriages and boyfriends who are abusive to them and their children because it’s the mother’s job to protect them, right? Well what about those who didn’t? I was never sexually or physically abused but I was certainly emotionally abused and for those closest to me-they can sometimes see that damage.
My mother never left my father. She’s still with him and I doubt she’ll ever leave him. I consider their marriage a “marriage of convenience”-one where it’s the norm to them and they’re both so used to it so why leave and start over again? There is no love in my parent’s relationship and if there is it’s so well hidden from the public-and their children. My father has repeatedly put my mother down for her being overweight. Then when I was younger at one point he mentioned I should watch out unless I wanted to be like her as well. My brother had a rebellious side and with his ADHD he couldn’t be contained. My father often made very open remarks that my brother needed to stop skipping school or he’d end up working in McDonalds flipping burgers or having to dig ditches-because that’s all he was good for. He never once applauded either of us for any kind of success. I remember many times being told I was stupid and that I should be a politician–because they don’t need to really know anything, they get paid to talk and they aren’t worth much. Yeah-that’s the father I grew up with. I was never “Daddy’s little girl” and I’m pretty sure he won’t lie and say it was like that either.
So if he had beat us or sexually abused us would she have left? Why is this kind of abuse not considered the same kind of damage? Granted, other than the fact my brother had some run-ins with the law when he was a juvenile neither of us went on shooting sprees or anything else that would alert people to the fact that we had childhoods that were less than perfect.
Even despite the fact that she watched our father belittle us and put us down only to make himself feel better, she stuck with him. I often wonder if I stayed in emotionally abusive relationships in the past where I wasn’t happy yet just there only because I saw it mimicked hers? And she never once mentioned how it mirrored her own until the relationship was already over.
I may not have physical scars to show but I still have the emotional ones. I somehow took my childhood experience and used it as my fuel. For the daughter who was stupid and who would never do anything substantial in life I’m going into my final year of pharmacy school-next May I’ll be Dr. Brandtastic, PharmD. Not too shabby for a stupid girl, huh? In my pharmacy school interview I told my one professor that my father was someone who motivated me: so that I could prove to him I wasn’t useless like he always told me. Ironically it was probably just his jealousy since he never finished his Bachelors degree…and hey this stupid girl has one of those too.
My mother has been the only parental support during it all but sadly I’ve come to realize she could have been more supportive from the beginning-by taking her children far away from this abuser. My brother has a tough shell and he won’t admit if it hurts him or not anymore but you could tell it did when we grew up. And that’s something no child should have to deal with- your biological parent putting you down constantly-subjecting you to emotional abuse while the other just sits there and watches doing nothing.
Mom, I still wish I could buy you a backbone so that you could leave this good for nothing man. But since I can’t…I can only hope you don’t fall victim to any worse abuse now that we’re not there anymore.
Happy Mother’s Day.